what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
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Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
#milo
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?