The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
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I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Me in tagged photos
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE