I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
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dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Happy thanksgiving!
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.