In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
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Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*