Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
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Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Current mood: Potato
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$