For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.