We’re all getting idioter.
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Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?