I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
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Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
im all 3
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on