Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Good morning