5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus