Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
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I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase