Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
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Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount