this is supposed to be an 18 year old
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me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Breaking news:
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.