I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand