[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
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ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”