AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
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[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
the noise i just made
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code