Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
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WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.