Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
You Might Also Like
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
let’s discuss
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST