Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
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I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”