Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
You sure about that?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.