I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
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“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom