if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
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My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?