The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
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*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Always
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
time for some seasonal decor
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.