[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
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My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel