I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
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Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.