Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
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My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
💯😂
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*