Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
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Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop