Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
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Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
real
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.