“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
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Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion