H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
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I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Lmaoo 😂
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.