Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
You Might Also Like
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I鈥檓 doing zoom therapy at my mom鈥檚 house while she鈥檚 in the other room so I guess it鈥檚 dad鈥檚 fault today
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That鈥檚 stupid; don鈥檛 do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I鈥檓 honest, out of my wife鈥檚 many talents I didn鈥檛 expect her to pass that one down
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it鈥檚 literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it鈥檚 perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you鈥檝e got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 馃き
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Pandas 馃惣馃枻
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
BOSS: Ok, so we鈥檝e decided we鈥檙e definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.