*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
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How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious