Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
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People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
he looks great for his age
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.