Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
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If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..