Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”