Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
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A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
“I FIXED IT!”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?