Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
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Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I can’t be the only one 😂
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?