[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
You Might Also Like
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
hmmm
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment