*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
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I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My dad is at it again
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
No Google it does not
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?