When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
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FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here