*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
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Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Get off my horse you stupid moon
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.