My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
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“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.