Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
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A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Candles never taste the way they smell
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids