nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
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Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Love this one 😂🧟
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead