My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
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You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.