NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
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During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Scream sneezers need love too.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.