[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
You Might Also Like
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
@ candidates for local office
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
me when i see my girls butt
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.