got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
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Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor