16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad