The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
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Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.